Fermium Man says, "Never... again... my eyes!"

Paul W.S. Anderson isn't well-known for a reason; he has absolutely no semblance of talent or respect for film-making. I say this, of course, after having seen two of the absolute worst mockeries of cinema of our generation: Resident Evil and Alien Vs. Predator.

Now, Resident Evil was based on a fucking video game, so I cut him some slack. After all, the whole point of a video game is interactivity, and taking away that interactivity often leaves you with an occassionally original but usually banal plot. Resident Evil didn't stand a fucking chance.

It did take some effort to fuck up the Alien and Predator lines, though, since they're all film legends (except for the fourth Alien, which sucked ass because it had Winona Ryder in it) and Anderson achieved this difficult goal in highly original and unique ways.

For example, Anderson decided that the ominous intrigue surrounding Weyland-Yutani was totally irrelevant in his megalomaniacal quest to destroy Alien once and for all. He also decided that he was going to change the history of Weyland-Yutani for his movie, claiming that Weyland was founded in 19-0-fucking-4 and that its current owner is also somehow an exact duplicate of the corporation's owner 200 years into the future.

Anderson also decided that the human race got its start in Antarctica instead of Africa; apparently, Anderson is a Creationist, because there's no fucking way African apes could have found their way to the little island to start human culture as we know it, and then backtrack all the way to Africa (leaving no permanent settlements on the way back) to idle for a few thousand years (probably to forget that they'd made it to Antarctica) before deciding to ramify and spread into the Middle East.

Oh, and humanity conveniently forgot about both the massive Predator ships and the alien xenomorphs and treated the latter's discovery as completely new 200 years later in the first Alien movie.

Also, Predators have a strange interest in black women and are willing to put aside differences to ride sleighs up into the air in order to fight giant alien queens. And alien growth and metamorphosis can be sped up if necessary to make the plot more convenient and move the film along.

So the plot was silly; we understand that much. How did the rest of the movie hold up? Well, better than the plot, at least. The cinematography was great, and the setting was elaborate, but it lacked the ominous darkness present in the Alien trilogy. There were no moments of suspense or fright; you saw the aliens coming a mile away. When the Predators and Aliens actually got around to knocking the shit out of each other, then I was entertained. Unfortunately, there weren't nearly enough of these scenes to distract me from the asstrocious plot and silly interaction between the black chick and her new Predator lovemate. (As Myron put it, 'they're like bf/gf.') The movie concluded with the alien queen getting her shit ruined and the Predators taking off with one of their dead comrades; a Predator-Alien hybrid bursts out of his body on the ship, which set the mood for "Alien vs. Predator 2: Revenge of the Clown Children's Bloody Murder Roarfest." Ironically, the sequel to AVP will have no aliens or Predators. Instead, it will have Vin Diesel trying to woo the heart of an icy bitch who doesn't trust men and is in fact, a closet lesbian. Guaranteed to generate hilarity on par with its predecessor!

Overall: 1/10

Rent this movie and laugh at it with your friends like I did. Seeing it alone runs the risk of having your IQ drop dangerously below the "functional human" line.