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FILM RATING: 6.0/10
I’m not providing a detailed analysis of the plot, so if you’ve already seen this film, more power to you.
After viewing Underworld, I marveled at how utterly pure the film’s mediocrity was. Using the film as a base, I’ve developed a list of ways that promising directors of tomorrow can utilize to start one hell of a mediocre film.
So how does Underworld follow these steps?
Underworld certainly accomplishes that. This movie is about a war between vampires and werewolves. Impossible to fuck it up, you say? Not for the film’s director, Len Wiseman! Instead of taking this film on a purely action-based route, he took the worst points of modern vampire movies (read: Queen of the Damned) and tried to mash them into the film. Take the lead character, for example: a strong-headed female vampire who is both sexy and deadly. Be still, my pounding heart. Or take the fact that all of the vampires in the film, while proficient with weapons, sit around a huge Gothic mansion sipping margaritas all day and having pseudo-intellectual dialogues. My, how I wish to join them. MAKE ME IMMORTAL!
The werewolves are pretty bad-assed, though. They sit around and fight all day, and they’re always pissed off at the vampires for being pansy douchebags. Well, not really, but pretending that this is why they’re at war is much more entertaining than the actual reason.
Seriously, I haven’t seen Kate Beckinsale, Scott Speedman, Michael Sheen, Shane Brolly, Bill Nighy, or Erwin Leder in any film whose name is worth remembering. The acting was God-awful. The lead actress (the sexy female vampire) always has this “hurt, innocent, but determined” expression that never changes once throughout the film, enough to make me want to vomit. The main male love interest isn’t seen enough throughout the film for me to give a shit about him; the only somewhat cool character was the head werewolf, Lucian. The guy playing him did a damned good job.
Seriously, whoever was in charge of shot composition (probably the director, but whatever,) die. I haven’t seen such poorly conceived fight scenes in my life. Whenever a vampire attacks, he/she just randomly jumps around, and the werewolves run up the walls. Woohoo. Lookout, Matrix.
The editing wasn’t any better. In fact, it was worse. The whole film was shot in this “gloomy, suspenseful blue mist” kind of lighting that pissed me off more than it made me lean forward in my seat. Transition use was negligent.
4. Create a nonsensical and uninteresting plot, and have it move along at a ponderous pace.
Two and a half hours long, and what did we learn? That love conquers all, and people often have destructive motives. Oh, and vampires are not to be trusted. I haven’t sat through a slower movie since Titanic.
The movie ended with a Kate Beckinsdale voice-over as she rambles on about how “this series of events will impact things for years to come” and the final shot was a dead vampire’s eyes popping open. I was so scared I shit my pants. Well, I was almost scared. Oh, hell, they focused on the eyes for 30 seconds and we were supposed to think that the movie would just end with them closed? HUMBUG!
So that concludes this movie review. If you disagree, you’re probably a Gothic pseudo-intellectual. Please retreat back into fantasyland and don’t venture outside “The Coven.”
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