Fermium Man says, "Rednecks are the bane of any society, and taste like chicken!"

What I'm feeling right now is an odd, but none-the-less common mix of enmity and humor. It's the kind of feeling that makes you particularly adept at ranting, something that brings out both the worst and best of us, the worst being our darkest and most destructive intentions, and the best being a sharpened intellect.

What shall be the topic of tonight's rant? Rednecks.

I have done rednecks before, but today's experiences have changed my opinions, and clarification is necessary. I have commented on their driving habits, on their general behavior, on their philosophies. I feel kind of like Jane Goodall, getting to live first-hand among my primate bretheren.

Without further ado, today's events:

A friend and I intended to see Van Helsing today (we did, but that's a topic for later discussion). My dad was supposed to pick me up, but my friend and I decided it would be best if I went home with him, so that his mom could take us to the theater. During lunch, I borrowed a cell phone from a friend and headed to the hallway bathroom on the first floor, the one that leads to the corridor, which ends in the PAC, to use the phone out of sight of the teachers.

As I walked down the railing, I noticed a group of kids sitting around. They looked inbred and were wearing Dixie Outfitters clothing; you know, the shit with the Confederate flags on the back. Being the courteous gentleman that I am, I paid them no bother. They had other plans, it seems.

"Hey, slick!" called one of the apes from atop his metal-railing treetop. His friends made primitive snorting noises.

Thinking that perhaps they were calling to one of their bretheren, I ignored that catcall. I thought, "No way. Nobody can be that rude or stupid; the sheer audacity of it requires a low IQ, so I'm going to give them the benefit of the doubt, being such model Southern boys and all."

Moving into the bathroom to use the cell phone, I heard something else.

"Dude, I think he must have thought we were gonna beat him up or somethin'. He didn't say anything when I yelled at him."

No fucking way, I thought. No God-damned mother fucking way. There is absolutely no fucking way that someone could be this stupid, to expect a random stranger to respond to a cheesy, cliche, half-assed sarcastic catcall. Yet, it dawned on me. There are indeed people this stupid, and they indeed inhabit this school.

So, I spent five minutes trying to dial my mom to tell her to call my dad and let him know he needn't pick me up. Succeeding, I quickly snapped off a conversation and made my exit.

Were the rednecks finished? Hah, no! They had yet another brilliant reporte in order to attempt to shatter my self-esteem and make me look like a buffoon!

"See ya 'round, slick!" Followed immediately, of course, by sarcastic school-girlish giggles.

I did the Stoic, or perhaps the cowardly, thing. I kept moving, not turning back.

Incidents like these are hardly earth-shattering, but they reveal such powerful things about rednecks in general.

Know that, of course, when I say "redneck" I do not mean "farmer, laborer, worker" or the like. Those people are respectable citizens who are often wiser and much more intelligent than their philosophy-degree wielding counterparts. I mean trailer trash, Dixie Outfitter-wearing, dumbass moron pieces of shit who entertain themselves by making catcalls to people minding their own damned business. Such people put huge Confederate flags on the backs of their trucks, have huge mud-tires for "mud-bogging," and live in the redneck part of town, generally.

Before you get all touchy about me insulting the redneck part of town, don't even try. It's undeniably inhabited by idiots. Go to the local redneck gas station for a selective sample of the fine cultured denizens you'll find there, if you don't believe me. While there may be some respectable people there, chances are if you're reading this, you're one of them, so you can just feel all secure tonight in your bed, realizing that Shawn really didn't mean you!

Anyway, back on track. Examples such as what happened to me today reveal just how articulate rednecks are: they're not articulate at all! They can't come up with anything better to do than annoy strangers that they know won't do anything about it because the strangers are generally of a higher class.

Rednecks are quick to show just how tolerant they are, too. They love blacks. I mean, they really, REALLY love blacks. While I may be just a stinky cracker honors student, the blacks at our school who essentially hold back school funding because of their deplorable FCAT scores are golden gods to the rednecks. They befriend blacks faster than Malcolm X and the Black Panthers. Yet, of course, rednecks always seem to forget one small thing:

THEY HAVE GIANT CONFEDERATE FLAGS COVERING EVERY FUCKING INCH OF THEIR PROPERTY!



Even if you believe that the Confederate flag symbolizes southern heritage, it unquestioningly means something very different for blacks. Let's assume for a second that I thought Hitler's government was the ideal government, and I wanted to celebrate my German heritage by wearing the Nazi flag. Despite my reasons, is it ok for me to go up to Jewish kids and shake their hands, all the while wearing an Iron Cross and a Swastika on every article of my clothing? The answer is quite obvious: HELL FUCKING NO!

This reasoning escapes rednecks because they can't stop mud-bogging enough to read a fucking history textbook.

The typical redneck philosophy embodies all sorts of flawed cliches.

"If it ain't broke, don't fix it!"
"Only good woman's a dead woman!"
"It's alright to fuck your sister if she's unconscious and no one will ever no about it!"
"Chocolate covered vittles will impress foreign dignitaries!"

And so forth.

I'm burnt out on rednecks. Their very existence is an abomination. If I didn't believe so strongly in individualism and free speech, I'd say jail them all.